my peanut butter smells like smoke

“To love is to be vulnerable.” The final sentence of one of my favorite quotes by CS Lewis. I have often pondered my conflicting desires to be vulnerable but also independent. I like to prove myself, that I can do things on my own without help. But then I almost wish for abasement in order to be at *their* mercy. Which, as I think about it is a very selfish and ego-centric view of vulnerability. For a person to be truly vulnerable, it cannot be contrived or a manipulation of the powerful. I’m afraid I’m too strong to be vulnerable. I have trained myself to be self-sufficient and independent, or at least to appear that way. Wrapping my dreams in a gauze of isolation, silence, and independence, I prefer to keep you at arm’s length because I am safer.

Having felt the sting of rejection, I must now barricade myself behind the many different masks I shape for myself. They line shelf after shelf along my walls. Their existence has grown so customary and accepted that I think I sometimes forget to leave that room. Much like the ritual of not getting up until the alarm has gone of four or five times, I know my patterns so well that it is near impossible for me to appear without a layer of plaster sheltering me from the prying, caring eyes.

“Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”

If I had one wish, I would wish for the knowledge of one, just one, truth about myself. Because now that I have arrived at the belief that I am too strong, too walled-in…I must necessarily introduce the thought: “You’re being egotistical and self-centered to think that you epitomize the loveless heart.” If I were a philosophy, it would be one that changed like the waves.

“I don’t like thinking; it hurts too much.” – Clara (Adventures in Odyssey)

Today, Monday, Skygazing will reach 10,000 hits…if you are that visitor, comment and let me know 🙂

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6 thoughts on “my peanut butter smells like smoke

  1. I’m totally 99,999 😛 I could have been it! haha.
    Thank you for the wonderful advice you left over on my page. I love your advice its always so good.

    To be vunerable yet independent at the same time is so hard to do. I to struggle with it. The idea of being at the mercy of someone is quelling. To love is to be vunerable. But we can’t let ourselves become incapable of love.
    Your blogs are always so fascinating to read. I hope that everything is ok though. *huggles*

  2. Yes, to love IS to be vulnerable. But that does not mean that while being vulnerable, independence is out of reach. Because you’re being loved as well, and with that love you’re recieving, support and comfort in all you do. I too, after a heartbreak, trained myself not to get emotionally involved. I made it a goal not to. But sometimes, no matter how strong you think you are, you let your guard down for just the tiniest fraction of a second, and all of the sudden, north is south and east is west. Be confident. Taking down your barricades and removing your masks won’t make you more vulnerable, it will make you more powerful. More able, and more influencial. You may take comfort in them, but what they really act as are chains. Be freed from the prison wherein you are self-confined, and when you do, you will have given the world a magnificent gift.

  3. “Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken.” So true- like what Prov 4:23 says. Isn’t it awesome, though, that while people will fail us, God never will? And yet because of how the world treats our vulnerable heart, we don’t want to trust God with it! And then what happens? “It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.” Impenetrable! Irredeemable! This must be why God wants us to guard our hearts like in Prov 4; because he not only wants us to rely on him rather than humans, but because he wants to save us pain, and prevent the hardening of our hearts against everything, including Him! That’s so good! God begs us in Ez 11:19-20 and Ps 95:7-8 not to grow callused with pain and bitterness but have freedom in his perfect love!

    Anyway, my original intent was just to say thanks for all your comments… but your blog got me too excited to not say anything else. 😀

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