have fun storming the castle

I am stuck in a very uncomfortable middle ground. “What!” You exclaim, rightly surprised. The queen of “happy mediums” has found herself in a medium that is not so happy? Perhaps it is one I shaped myself, what with my desire to cling onto my friends and familiar life back home and the conflicting desire to integrate into my new community. Well, this middle ground is neither steady nor comfortable. If anything, it resembles the stark desert Littlefoot, Sera, Ducky, Spike, and Peetree had to cross to reach the Great Valley.

Sitting in class, I am made acutely aware of how blessed I was in my schooling. I know the meaning of “redeem” and “impute”. Ah, but yes…I am in a new environment, therefore information is volunteered warily, and in my larger class of forty…rarely. From the sidelines I observe their burgeoning friendships, feeling that I am being left behind. The chameleon that has been innately woven into my skin has not yet learned the talent of disappearing more often. People with far less connections and ties talk among themselves of conversations they had. Though I am so much nearer than those 200 miles away, in some ways I feel they are more closely connected.

Can I simultaneously love and despise being here? Because I do. I clearly picture the streets of my hometown, the light casting shadows on the hills, the stupid traffic lights, and the landscape that changes with each season. But when I return in two days, I know I will be disappointed and heartsick. Because it will be changed. And most importantly, the people will be changed. The friends who made staying so worthwhile will be busy and unavailable. The topics of conversation will be limited. Reminiscing is hard, for we all long for the past. Talking of the present is painful, for we are reminded what little we share. Even the future is immaterial, for we know not what further changes and aches it will bring.

I am homeless in, what naturally seems to me, the worst sense of the word. While there are many roofs under which I would find welcome, I do not belong there.

As I have grown older, I have continued to anxiously anticipate his impending arrival. Yes, it is the elusive “prince charming” of whom I speak. His role has changed over the years. He always brings stability, in some shape. Today his approach brings the stability of belonging, of having somewhere to call my own. Of having a home.

Home – Switchfoot
It’s a long way from Miami to LA
It’s a longer way from yesterday
To where I am today

It’s a long way from my thoughts
To what I’ll say
It’s a long, long way from paradise
To where I am today

All that’s in my head
Is in Your hands

It’s a long way from
The moon up to the sun
It’s a longer ahead of me
The road that I’ve begun

Stop to think of all the
Time I’ve lost
Start to think of all the
Bridges that I’ve burned
That must be crossed

Over, over, over
Take me over

I’ve been poison
I’ve been rain
I’ve been fooled again
I’ve seen ashes
Shine like chrome
Someday I’ll see home

Home, home


3 thoughts on “have fun storming the castle

  1. I think I can understand how you’re feeling. The Land Before Time reference surprised me, though. 😉

    Aren’t Switchfoot’s lyrics wonderful? They can say things just right sometimes. Have you got their new CD, Nothing is Sound?

  2. I feel the same way. Its such a big change to move away from everything and everyone to start out and make a place for youself. I won’t lie by saying I like it here…I’m a lot further south than I’m used to. Autumn isn’t here…its terrible. I miss those at home who make me feel like I belong. I’m glad I’m not the only one who feels that way 😀 I’m sure you will find your place. And we’ll both do marvelous on these new paths we are on *huggles*

  3. Hey, even though I’m not away at college I so know where you’re coming from! It’s a rough time, but don’t forget to lean on God because, ultimately, He is the solid rock that never changes and never leaves us alone. I love ya girlie! (ps…I changed my xanga url…)

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