Anyone who has done any thinking, even a little bit, knows that it is painful.
Nothing succeeds in disappointing quite like an empty inbox. However false it may be, the lack of messages conveys the distinct impression that you were not important enough for anyone to consider writing. 🙄 Of course there are many factors to be considered, the two most important being how long ago you last checked, and whether you are a good correspondent.
I feel frustratingly discontent…with who I am, my lack of solid direction, the way I seem to safely fumble my life. Nothing really seems to “click”, and I feel at something of a loss for how to find what does. Love the Lord your God…and love your neighbor as yourself…yes. I understand that, at least academically. There are a lot of things that I understand academically (am I so much more like Eugene than I thought?). But academic understanding doesn’t tell me how I’m supposed to follow God when I don’t have anyone telling me what to do or how to do it. It doesn’t give me three simple steps to figuring out God’s will for your life. No, I don’t honestly think it’s as callous as that…but I have told myself so many times that I don’t know how to open myself up anymore that I believe it. So I feel a little bit stuck…like I’m kind of blindly stumbling around, occassionally finding a solid foothold on what feels like a sheer rock face at all other times. What makes it all the more difficult is that I know my faltering is a result of my faithlessness.
I probably don’t even need to be stressing so much about the apparent plan for my life. I should just trust and follow God, take things as they come, and make the best decisions I can on a day to day basis. That’s just a little hard to do for the girl who has been planning and replanning her life since second grade.
Funny how both of those words begin with “I”. Funny how I so often return to those descriptions. And funny how every time I feel glaringly self-(add just about any ending here… “ish”, “depreciating”, “centered”) for allowing myself to focus so pointedly on my miniscule problems and complaints.
But then again…it’s not really funny at all.
We have met the enemy, and he is us. – Walt Kelly