I hate coming to the point where the decisions I make monumentally affect the rest of my life. Perhaps it wouldn’t be so terrifying if I knew what I wanted to do.
It’s just this whole options thing. Really, I could do without it. And I believe/know that life will, or at least has the potential to, be awesome no matter what…if I want to make it so. I just want to do everything, and I can never escape this pervasive knowledge of my limited resources and abilities and time. The fact that I wasn’t born heiress to Bill Gates’s fortune and thus will be required to provide for myself (and pay off loans).
Next spring will be hell…I can only imagine the implosion that will occur within my brain when I have to decide, not which country I want to spend a few months studying in, but what I will pursue for the next summer…year…indefinable-period-of-time.
Maybe I’ll go to France this fall, and then find some employment in Italy after I graduate. But I want to go to weddings next summer. So I’ll get a job for the summer…at home so I can live there and save money for loans. Then move to Italy to work for some period of time. But I could work for a publishing company…which I’d like to do. Or do something I haven’t even thought of yet. Or have a freaking quarter-life crisis!!