more time

My life moves in circles.  At first I thought it was cyclical, but then I realized it’s closer to the orbit of planets.  They circle around the sun while simultaneously rotating on their own axis.  Or maybe my life is the moon.  Rotating in orbit around the Earth which is rotating in orbit around the sun.  Everything comes back around.

Maybe my life is an intricate lock that operates like the moon.  When the planets and stars and moons and asteroids are all aligned just right, things will click into place.  Supernova.  Success.

But I realize this is not the case.  Life is what it is and what you make of it.  I don’t think there will ever come a time when everything is so inexplicably explicable.  A magic point does not exist after which life makes sense and isn’t complicated.  Leonard said no novel or movie or explanation could possibly prepare one for the complexity of adulthood.  I’ve known this, to an extent.  But I choose to disbelieve it.  Imagining that one day I will be on top of my to-do list, one day I will have caught up on sleep, one day I won’t be stuck in the dichotomy between the inferiority of Plato’s battle and the crushing weight of my own chest.

Perhaps it will finally come the day I die, when I pass into eternity and look upon the face of my Savior, praying earnestly I was not mistaken and Joseph Smith does not stand at the right hand of God.


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