runaway

It is going to do an interesting toll on the emotions to replay the power point. Work, while providing much loved cash, is the bane of my life *sigh*. It is quite draining, both on the energy and time. Such is the lot of anyone over the age of 16 I suppose. Note to self: get used to it!

Take this kiss upon the brow!
And, in parting from you now,
Thus much let me avow-
You are not wrong, who deem
That my days have been a dream;
Yet if hope has flown away
In a night, or in a day,
In a vision, or in none,
Is it therefore the less gone?
All that we see or seem
Is but a dream within a dream.

I stand amid the roar
Of a surf-tormented shore,
And I hold within my hand
Grains of the golden sand-
How few! yet how they creep
Through my fingers to the deep,
While I weep- while I weep!
O God! can I not grasp
Them with a tighter clasp?
O God! can I not save
One from the pitiless wave?
Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?
– Edgar Allen Poe

i hope you had the time of your life

I am officially a high school graduate. Diploma and all. Wow. I might get around to posting some pictures from this wonderfully busy weekend…but I’m lazy now.

Friday was the senior dinner (everyone was so gorgeous…the guys rocked in their tuxes, the stories were great, everyone cried at the end, I bawled that night)…Saturday was graduation (sooo much fun…danced for 3 hours, did karaoke at Brit’s, stayed up with Amber and Julie until 5)…Sunday I went to church with everyone and we had dinner at Red Robin then I went to the youth group Senior Roast.

This week I went to school to hear Brit, Danielle, Cameron, and Katie’s theses (mine went well, btw ;)). Tomorrow I have to do some stuff for my mom, so I won’t go in. I stayed for art today and worked on my painting (reproduction of Girl with a Pearl Earring). The face sucks, but some other parts are cool (imho). As always, if I get around to it, I should post a pic of it. Thursday is the awards night, Friday and Saturday I’m working…then next Tuesday is Danielle’s birthday (and 2 months from mine!) and Wednesday we’re doing the power point. To date, we’re at almost 550 slides :shock:. Pretty crazy…it’s going to be over an hour long, but so much fun. I’m pretty much going to cry, I think.

But anyway, life is chugging along. I think I have my fall semester schedule worked out. It’s looking like I’ll be taking Freshman Seminar *yawn*, Core 150 (requirement), Computer Science 1, Reading Literature, Probability/Statistics, and Romans. More on that later I’m sure.

pilgrim

I am superficially aware of my insignificance. However, in practice I am a seventeen year old struggling for acceptance–both from my peers and myself. Sadly I have not been learning my lessons well, for this small, miniscule event is pulling all the wrong strings. Probably three or four months have passed in relative bliss. Of course, there has been the ever present stress of school and life and the like…but I’ve been coping well.

Four days. Approximately 96 hours. Be still my bleating heart. What’s that Superchick song…”We’re not done yet.” Right. What happens if you are done? What do you do then? And what if you’re looking for answers to questions you never wanted asked?

Floating on has been all well and good…but I guess I thought I found an anchor. In what, heaven only knows, but an anchor nonetheless. I’m afraid to look down and realize it’s barely a piece of cardboard.

I’m stuck in limbo. There’s no moving forward, and no going back. So it seems the only options are up and down. But what does that mean?

the world you love

Today was something of a blah day. It didn’t start off very well. First of all, I forgot to tell my sister to close the windows when I was leaving for work. So I stopped in the driveway and ran in to tell her. Unfortunately I forgot that in our car (possibly all…I have no idea), when you put the car in neutral (as it is a manual and has no “park” option), even if you have the parking brake on, the car still rolls. So 10 seconds later when I returned, the car was rolling down the driveway. Now, keep in mind that my driveway is a 50 foot long slope. Bad combination. So I yanked the passenger side door open, vaulted over the center, and managed to get a foot down on the brake. That was intense.

Then I get to work, and the girls who closed didn’t do a very good job…I messed up a cake order, frosted a cake horribly (and my boss just had to be there for that), had a lot of customers, and forgot my lunch (and couldn’t leave or sample since my boss was there most of the time). Plus, this is my last week of high school. I graduate on Saturday. I will be presenting my thesis on Thursday, and there are some other things due, including a Greek Final.

Answers seems to be just about the only thing I ever seek. Probably the only thing anyone ever seeks. I’ve been waiting for, and hoping for the arrival of, answers. I don’t think I’ll find the ones I’m looking for.

I want my story to be worth telling. So because this one would be worth telling, somehow that makes it more likely in my mind. I am too much of a girl. I would happily be less female-minded if that meant I didn’t rationalize so much. And if I didn’t read into everything.

Do you ever wonder why it is dreams never come to perfect fruition? Or do yours. Mine certainly don’t. So I’m left to one of two prayers…that either I will stop dreaming about the things I truly desire, or that my dreams will cease to exist only in my mind.

i can feel you breathing

I cannot physically think of everything I need to do and remember. Obviously just about every other senior in the world feels the same, and I’m not trying to set myself up as an object of compassion…merely establishing the fact that I am no different than the barely-existing, senioritis-inflicted population of graduating high school seniors.

These next few days are going to be extremely stressful (I’m saving the adjective “hellish” for when we near finals week). My only consolation is that we’re going on our senior trip Thursday through Saturday. Unfortunately that is an excruciating four and a half days away. It sadistically amuses me how stressed we grow over certain ordeals, professing imminent death. We survive (barely in some cases), but only to see another swell rising higher than the one before it. I think life is like the ocean, we mount the waves that seem mountainous and ready to overpower us. But we survive and make it to the lull on the other side. Then the water rushes away from us again and we are swept into a higher wave, certain death is near. Yet we live. The waves continue to get higher and higher each successive time. But the question remains…do the waves continue to grow higher, or do they even out into a stretch of glisteningly peaceful waters? My pores are getting waterlogged. I hope, without expectation of realization, that it is the latter.

come back down

I haven’t the patience to continue trying to fix the PHP table errors so that the date or time shows up or the comments work. Apologies to you all. I’ve thought about just manually typing the date, but it’s more mysterious this way and ambiguous. I’m a large fan of ambiguiety (in some cases), so I’m going to leave you hanging and wondering what day it is (unless of course you visit every day and therefore can tell when it is I update. Of course there is the dated material contained within my ramblings that will likely reveal the time to the astute among you.

Mock Trial last weekend was awesome. Our team had so much fun and it was a great experience all around. Our results and final standing weren’t nearly as satisfying as the competition though. We competed against the top three teams in King County and held our own. We thought we won against Seattle Prep (second trial) and the other two were a toss up. We ended up losing all three trials, but we took a ballot from both Seattle Prep (16th in the nation last year) and Franklin (been to nationals multiple times and won in 2000 or 2001). We got all three ballots in our first trial against Port Townsend. However, in spite of the fact that we beat PT…they placed third overall (top ten). That makes sense because of power matching, but it’s not right. Plus, the fact that we went up against Seattle Prep, Uni Prep, and Franklin doesn’t even make sense in the power matching realm. I could rant about it, but I won’t. It’s disappointing to have done so well and not even place in the top ten…but none of us would trade our trials for easier ones. In our last round against Franklin (which I was privledged to be a part of), we did the best we have ever done. Every single person. Even the rest of our team who has been working on this trial since October and done it numerous times found it fun to watch. It gives me shivers remembering what an incredible trial that was. So we had a good time, but were sadly disappointed in how things ended up.

The quarter ends next week. So I’ll be presenting my thesis *eep*, memorizing a ton of catechism I’ve neglected, and freaking out about a Greek final. Along with the obligatory stressing about where in the heck I’m going to be attending college :\. I’ll decide…eventually. My family is going to Hawaii for spring break April 1 or 2…don’t remember the exact day we’re leaving. I’m gonna head out though, cuz I have homework to do (art report *cringes*), letters to write (looks guilty), and raffle tickets to sell. Oh…but I have to recommend that everyone buy the new Lifehouse album 🙂

I hope your state competition goes well! Change can always be a good thing, don’t let the loss of archives get you down- just start over with something fabulous! I hope your Phantom of the Opera cd comes soon; I have it and it’s awesome! *hug* – Lauren
I’ve often felt like I want to start over. I hope you get your soundtrack soon. =) ~ Lalaith

And love to my ‘Naked Mole Rat’ visitor 😀 who filled out my survey *hehehe*